Very hard weekend

We spent the weekend at CHAD beginning on my 1 year old son's birthday. He spiked a fever of 106 after being ill with an ear infection for 2 weeks. It was the scariest thing I have ever been through with my children. We spent several hours at a closer hospital trying to break his fever, then were transferred to DHMC to the childrens hospital. It was extremely difficult, holding him while he was given IV's and putting him inside a plexiglass tube for xrays, and just trying to hope for the best while they kept telling me they didnt know what was wrong with him, what was causing the fever and trying to get it to go down and stay down. When we arrived at the childrens unit I lost it and started to cry. Jim had gone home to try to go to sleep as he was ill as well. I held my little guy trying to keep all of the wires untangled as he writhed from discomfort in my arms. They removed the crib from his room as he wouldnt let go of me. Together, exhausted we laid down in a bed they wheeled in for us. The nurse gave me a button and told me not to fall asleep. About every 15 minutes a nurse would come back in the room and check his respirations, take his temperature, blood pressure, sats, and his IV. They put some toradol in his IV to help him with his pain. He was suffering dehydration ( drinking has been a problem at daycare ) They taped a bag to his private parts so they wouldnt have to give him a catheter so they could test his urine. They took his blood, it came back that his CBC was high and his SED Rate was as well. This indicated his body was trying to fight an infection. They decided they needed to start antibiotics. He had been on amoxicillin for his ears for two weeks already. They still didnt know, they mentioned neuro virus, para something, and all of these scary bad viruses and illnesses that are going around in our area. After a few days they told me they believed he has a bacterial pneumonia, from all of the drainage from his ear infection and cold. I kept questioning in my mind if the air conditioners in my house had caused a problem because my husband had been complaining of being ill as well and he thought that was the cause of his sore throat and ear trouble, cough etc. I looked online when I got home and I found alot about air conditioners that arent cleaned or cleaned correctly can harbor the germs that cause bacterial pneumonia, so we are not using them. I have a very small bedroom and the two very hot days before the baby came down with a high fever he spent the night in our room only several feet away from the AC. I thought I was trying to keep him cool and safe. He had been sick and I didnt want him to be hot and uncomfortable. I am thankful that he is safe now, asleep on my bed. I feel sad for the families I met at the hospital that cant take their babies home. There were 3 other babies with pneumonia on the same floor as us, children with cancer and other horrible medical issues. It broke my heart.The nurses were especially wonderful with us and with the baby. I kept thinking about how you see the dynosaur that asks for money for CHAD and you give a little, and you think about the children. You throw some money in the bin, and you walk away, not thinking that your children might have to go there someday. I know I am tired, but I cant help but wonder if I hadnt been working, if I had just stayed home with the baby would he of gotten that sick? I am angry with myself for not being there for him when he couldnt tell me that he needed me to stay with him, to take care of him, to stop worrying about myself and my career and bills. I remember my daughter saying to me a week ago, that I had my priorities screwed up and trying to explain to her that I have to work to take care of the family. I thought he was feeling better. I thought it was alright. Daycare did not take care of him like they should of. I told them when I left him there that they needed to make sure he was drinking. He didnt. I feel like they should of called me to let me know he was having trouble or wouldnt take a bottle or a cup. I know blaming myself or daycare isnt going to help but I cant help it. I am upset, hes not going back there and my employer is going to have to understand that my child is sick and he has to come first this time.

Early Birthday Party

I have been ignoring my blog. I am very tired. I have been walking 2 miles at night with mom, trying to lose some weight. I should be getting ready for work right now I am running late. Very busy around here.

Turkeys, Suzukis, and possibly luck

So my husband and I were driving down the road yesterday by the local golf course and out of knowhere a ( I am guessing ) 50 lb turkey decided to cross the road. Halfway through crossing it took flight and we tried not to hit it. I could see it headed right for our windshield. Guess what. It hit the windshield hard and much to our amazement it bounced off without breaking it. We turned around to see where it went and we couldnt find it. I am thinking either Suzuki's are well put together, or we were really lucky. We were going about 50 miles an hour. I dont understand why the windshield didnt break.

Summer fun

Tonight we went to my sister in laws house. D had fun playing with the trucks, and H made a new furry friend.

My baby is TALKING video!

Baby D came home from daycare saying UH OH and BAYBEE and he says HANNAH! I cant believe it. Here is a video, he is saying uh oh and hollaring for Hannah!

A New Car

What did I know, I thought Suzuki made motorcycles. Well they do but it turns out they make inexpensive cars with great gas mileage.

A plan

Today I am going to a car dealership. My truck has been in the garage for an estimate because it broke down. The mechanic ( who went to school with my husband ) told us that the motor and transmission are junk. It is running ( just barely ) his advice was to put a thick motor oil in it and trade it in this weekend. I owe 2472.00 on the truck. It would cost about 5000.00 to fix. We dont have that kind of money. I am taking it to a drop, drag or tow special at the dealership. They will give me at least 2000 for it. Which yeah it does suck because I have already paid thousands of dollars on it and its a dead horse, but at least it will be paid off my credit will be protected and I shouldnt have to put any money down on a new vehicle. I know I am not actually getting anything for it but my headache will be gone. Actually if I get a family car my monthly payments will be lower then my truck payment is so I will be much better off as far as saving monthly income. We will also be better off as far as gas mileage. We both travel to work and spend a ridiculous amount of money on gas. My ears and eyes will be open though. I hate major purchases with a passion. I am so afraid of being screwed. They will probably think I am psycho once I ask them all the questions I am going to ask. This has been a depressing, scary week worrying about what we could do and me freaking out about protecting my credit rating. I would never get a house if I have a repo or a take back on my credit so this is really the best thing and probably only thing we can do other than buy a beater and pay on a dead horse. It just makes the most sense to me. We will see when I actually get to the dealership. I also worry because I know you arent supposed to make a large purchase right before buying a house but the red tape from the hud loan is taking time so hopefully it will bring my credit score up by the time we sign on the house loan. I hope I dont have a panic attack, I have had several this week from all of the stress. Wish me luck.

Positive Thinking

So now that I bitched I have to think about things that were good or made me happy this week:

1) Wishing the women in my life a Happy Mother's Day.

2) Watching my son play in his new yardsale wagon, and going for a walk with my family.

3) Kissing my husband goodnight

4) H made honor roll ( despite the negative crap at school )

5) We have at least one vehicle that is working for the moment and that is more than some people have.

6) I still have a job and patients that I care for.

I am sure there is more but I am so tired I have to go to bed. I am thankful for pillows and softly, worn out blankets.

Calgon take me away

I'm bitchy once again.

List of things that went wrong this week so far. ( Yes I know its only Tuesday sigh )

1) Truck blows up, one year of payments left.

2) Car is on the fritz again

3) Massive, incapacitating headaches

4) School principal stands me up this evening after a day from hell, I wait from 5:15 to 6pm after waking up at 3:30 am to bring husband to work, baby to daycare in another town, came back home to bring H to school, then back to work. Try to dodge out early enough to get the baby, call the garage, pick up the husband, drop them off, go find H at the library and make it to the school for a nonexistant meeting.

5) Try explaining to your boss that your vehicles are all pieces of shit with a smile on your face with the hope that she wont yell because you have to leave early to go to the garage and pick up your family and hopefully get to the school to meet with the principal on time. ( Yah )

6) Getting stuck in an extremely hot, very poorly decorated, smelly principal office staring at the empty desk of the administrative assistant that stole your childs cheerleading, sweatshirt money in December and having the restraint to not take everything on her desk and fork up her computer. ( yes she left it on with windows open, I didnt touch it) I wanted to replace the box of NIPS on her shelf with xlax but I've been regular as of late and didnt have any on me. I was a good girl. I will admit I was two steps away from putting my ass on the copier and leaving a big fuck you on the chair but I figure that wouldnt help my child get a better education.I was kind of feeling Judd Nelson like in The Breakfast Club.

I am sure there is more but I am tired of bitching and I have to save what is left of my pounding brain to figure out how to write a really wellspoken, effective letter to the superintendant. Grrrrr.

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to Karrie and Mom and Steph and any other mother that may happen by, I hope you all have a great day! Love ya!

The weekend

It was a nice weekend for the most part. The hub and I woke up early to go to a few yardsales that advertised for Childrens Toys etc. We ended up purchasing a wagon for the baby for only $3.00. It is like brand new. It would of cost at least $100.00 for a new one. We also picked him up a school bus with all the little people that sit in it. He carried it around all weekend. I picked up a white beany baby with flowers on it for 50 cents for H, and a large pencil with funny sayings on it for school. It was also a great excuse to get out and walk. We have all been sick again and it was nice to get out and get some fresh air. We have cleaned the house top to bottom and Lysoled and Cloroxed everything we own and we still keep catching this same icky, nasty virus. I hope with the warmer weather coming this week it will finally subside. I am tired of wiping noses and behinds. Today I will be talking with the realtor about a piece of property. We have decided if we dont find a house we can afford soon we are going to continue the process of purchasing a modular home. My husband is now working and actually is lead carpenter where he builds the homes at work. There is one specific piece of property that has logs on it so the plan would be to buy it, have it logged to pay for the septic, driveway etc. and purchase or build one of these homes. My husband figured out as well that he could build us a decent stick built home for between $30 and $50 thousand dollars. We are working with the rural housing authority to get better loan options. The subprime market has pretty much fallen apart due to high foreclosure rates in the last year, so we have had a hard time getting a loan to go through even though we were approved. Every fixer upper we can afford has been a no go due to pressure on lenders to be more strict. Two houses fell through on us due to deficiencies that we could of easily fixed. The market is great for already established persons. It is not great right now for people like us that havent ever owned a home. So if we are able to get financing through a government agency we will get a better rate, and be able to get more house for our money. It is alot of red tape and paperwork but when it is all said and done I dont have to worry that I have been screwed or given a bad deal that I cant afford. The other thing is they are very supportive, and it is mandatory that you attend a class or seminar that helps you get all of your homebuying ducks in a row. They also offer special rates and have a program for if you are going to construct your own house. Fortunately I am married to an extremely talented man that has his own tools,friends to help us do the heavy stuff and the knowledge to build an entire house. We are going to look at all of our options and choose the most cost effect route. I hope this works out for us. We need something to dream about, it is what keeps us going.

Learn how to make your own robeez

Learn to make them yourself!

I stumbled onto this website tonight. It really is a great idea.

I might try it myself. I am going to go to the thrift store, pick up some cheap leather clothes which will be on sale right now because summer is coming and use the clothing to make look alikes!

Recap of this week

I know I dont eat right. I am writing down everything I eat so that the nutritionist at work can help me rearrange things. I like the Southbeach dinners. I have been slimfasting at work because its easy, I am so busy usually. The only thing I dont like is the expense of buying the extra stuff. I might buy some protein powder and figure out how to make my own recipes in bulk so my husband and H can eat them to. H has lost about 25 lbs since school started. Hub has lost 15 in the last two weeks as he went back to work. I havent weighed in yet but I do feel somewhat lighter. I have had more energy and I have been able to run around cleaning both in the morning before work and after work.

Monday Exercise 1 1/2 hours deep water aerobics

Coffee
Green Tea
Slimfast
Baby Carrots raw
Greenbeans
Plain grilled steak size of a deck of cards

Tuesday 20 min treadmill

Coffee
Green Tea
2 Slimfasts
diet soda
cottage cheese lowfat
steamed broccoli

Wednesday Walked 3 loops around track at highschool (4 loops is a mile)

Coffee
diet soda
cottage cheese
tossed salad with ff french
3 bites crabmeat
southbeach wrap

Thursday Walked at work @ lunchtime about 30 min

Coffee
diet soda
green tea
beet slices plain
cottage cheese
1 slice pineapple ring
southbeach caprese chicken & broccoli dinner

Friday

Dont know yet


In a typical day I am on my feet running around back and forth with a headset from office to office. I go up and down the stairs probably 6 times a day as well. I have been trying to make a game of it and keep myself moving as much as I can. I do have to sit occasionally to type. When I get off work I pick up the baby, come home, pick up the house, vacuum, wash floors, do laundry, feed the baby, give him a bath and then I play with H. We jump around, hoola hoop and jumprope and sometimes go for a walk. Monday night H and I are going to the town pool for deep water aerobics. We bought a pass so we can swim as much as we want to. It was much cheaper than a gym membership and H cant go to the gym here because she is too young. Also with my back issues I can do things in the water that I have a hard time doing on land. I really felt the stomach crunches that we were doing in the water it felt great. I was a little bit sore the next day as I used muscles I havent used in a long time, and it loosened up my back so it hurt. I am going to stick with it though because I know it will get easier.

Target rocks

Per my sisters advice I went to Target Online and found the same type of shoes for the baby for a third of the price! BABY SHOES

Thanks Karrie!

Shoes

Baby D will not keep his shoes on. It isnt a huge problem for me, but its difficult for his daycare. One of the mothers suggested I look into Robeez. They are soft and look like they would be pretty comfortable and hard for the baby to remove. I am going to splurge and buy a pair. My only problem is they have so many cute designs I dont know which ones to pick! Check them out ROBEEZ BABY SHOES

Still learning

I am still learning how to balance motherhood, work and marraige. It still seems like one is always getting less time and attention.

I need to be with my husband. I woke up this morning feeling lonely and sad. I know it sounds sappy, but I just wanted to cuddle up with him for a few minutes before we start the rat race that is our day. I miss him. I miss the kids.

I need a date. I desperately need to leave responsibility behind for just a few hours and have a good time with my husband.

Motivational Speaking

So I went to a seminar today. The topic was how to be an excellent manager.

It was presented by a gentleman, he was 5 feet of annoying, fast talking, bullshit artist. He called me out for yawning. I was honestly there to find ways to make a difference in my life. No matter how hard I tried to listen I just wasnt getting it, it was all moving way too fast for my attention span. After he pitched over and over why I needed to buy his many collections of motivational books I felt like I was watching an infomercial. He kept quoting people I never heard of, and asking did you read this book? I felt really stupid. Wasnt he there after all to help pump me up and make me feel motivated? I was motivated enough to fall asleep in my car during our lunchbreak.

When he called me out for yawning ( which I desperately tried to hide ) I just apologized and said I have a baby at home. It was really embarrassing. I was squirming in my seat for most of the day, unable to focus. He was talking way too fast. He kept playing word tricks on people. It wasnt my bag. I am disappointed. I guess he was a good speaker in alot of ways just not my way. When he asked us questions I faltered. I was the only one there that couldnt speak correctly.I was stuttering and mispronouncing words I would normally have no problem with. I told him I enjoy technology and am always looking to get on the truck. The fucking truck. What is that? What the hell did I mean to say. I dont even know. Public speaking usually isnt a problem for me. It was today. Is this a confidence issue? Or was it that I had the guy figured out? Did I not care because he seemed pompass, or uninteresting to me? Am I the 3% that he quoted wouldnt learn a thing from his seminar? This really sucks. I really, really wanted to learn something that I could put into action in my day to day experiences. If I said half of the things he said I would be the laughing stock of the office because everyone would know I was full of bs. Needless to say I did not buy any books.

Send me to a real school, please?

I just... uh need to vent

I had 2 slimfasts today. Came home and had a piece of grilled chicken plain and a little bit of baked beans. Then I ate two bowls of icecream. What the heck is my issue?

I have a rash on my arms from lotion I put on and it itches and its pissing me off.

My car is just about blown up. I dont have drive anymore I am getting around in second gear. It is leaking oil and transmission fluid and smoking up a storm. My husband is outside looking at it right now.

I am due to leave at 6am tomorrow to go to Concord for a business meeting. Yay fucking ha. I hope I make it there. At this point I know its a shitty attitude to have but I dont even care. I dont fucking care tonight. I am tired, and my back is hurting. I am fat. I am bitching. I seems like I am always bitching. I am just blah. I dont even give a shit.

I got to daycare today to pick up D and he was covered in dirt. I should be happy he had a good time. He screamed all the way home. Probably because he was thirsty and had a mouth full of dirt. He screamed until I ran into the house and gave him a drink of water, a bath, and dinner. Now he is asleep. H managed to get a sunburn yesterday while at a carnival with her friends. She is actually doing pretty well today which I am glad. I dont have the energy to deal with a bitchy tween tonight.

I think I am mostly cranky because I am itching like crazy.

H just came in and ASKED if she could go to boarding school. HAHAHAHA.. NOT! First of all I cant afford it. Second of all I would miss her. Third of all its just not happening. PERIOD.

Did I mention I have that as well? UGH. Maybe thats my problem.

My husband came and sat down next to me in the kitchen. Hun whats wrong? I said I dont know. I really dont know. Thats the shitty part. I cant even figure it out so how is he supposed to help me? I guess it was nice that he asked though. At least he noticed.

God I hope my car isnt fucked. That is really the last thing I need right now. H is bitching because I told her she could have it when she gets older. So I am not the only one that is upset about the car. That makes it worse I think. I dreamed of owning a Mustang when I was a little girl, well I bought one and I promised her she could have it. Its getting close to being a planter in the yard. Daisies anyone?

Storm wreaks havoc in my mind

So we had a nasty storm. We lost power at my house,lost our heat and my husband bailed the water out of the basement. Trees crushed mobile homes and vehicles. Roads are washed out and many a tree fell. Even the hospital I work at 45 minutes away ran on a generator throughout the night due to power outages. There was a landslide on the road I travel to work, and officials are expecting the river that I need to pass to by to flood the road within the next few hours. The baby's daycare is without power as well. Hopefully I make it to work and wont get stuck there. If the roads I normally take are out I can probably take VT Interstate 91 and then go to NH and get on I89 and get home. It will take me over an hour out of my way but I will be able to get from A to B. I am taking the truck today so I can drive through watery messes.
I have thought alot in during the past few days. I am considering filling out the paperwork to take the nursing course at a hospital closet to home that begins in June. It is a paid course, so I would earn a fulltime paycheck while learning. I have 4 days to complete and send in the application. It is what I really want to do. The requirement is that after I complete the classes I would work for them for at least a year or I would have to pay the tuition. I need to get at least 2 letters of reference, and fill out an application to be accepted into the program. What do you think? I want to help people. Thats the part about my current job that I like. However, I dont like being a manager, I dont like having to be responsible for irresponsible, snobby, silver spooned women. I can work with people like that but I find it very difficult to actually manage them. I want to make a difference in peoples life. I have taken alot of crap from the women I work with. The ones in particular that dont have children, dont like children and dont understand what it is like to be a mother. They liked me just fine when I only had an older child. It seems like they were disgusted by my pregnancy. One of them actually told me I should have an abortion because I was struggling with being ill during pregnancy. When I came back early from maternity leave I was faced with a huge sense of not belonging there. Everyone had banded together and "changed" things and suddenly I didnt belong. I am angry that all of my hard work is irrelevant or discounted because how dare I have another child. After all I was expected to be a "career" woman. I wasnt supposed to mess things up by having a kid. I was counted on to have froofie hair and important lunch meetings, not diapers and daycare phone calls. I'm not supposed to smell like desitin, I am supposed to smell like chanel #5 or something. I am supposed to chat about artwork, and time shares, carry a coach bag and eat at the trendy downtown Vermont restaurant where you cant get a cup of tea for under $10.00. Am I supposed to want to fit in with these people? It feels worse than highschool. I feel like I am the odd man out, because I dont have colored Reeboks and Guess Jeans. I am just sick and tired of it and I need a solution. I feel like I am holding some kind of weird grudge and its only hurting me. I am trying to work out in my mind the facts. The true and honest facts about why I hate it there. Is it going to be different somewhere else? Could I make things better for myself by not being in this position? Or would it make my life worse? If I were a nurse I wouldnt have problems with not having the "right clothes" I could wear scrubs like everyone else. Do I want to blend in? Is that what it is? Does this have alot to do with my actual job? Or is it the rest of the crap that goes along with working with the people I work with? Do I just like what being an nurse stand for? Do I need to be a caretaker of some sorts and I cant do that well in my current position? What is wrong with me? Am I depressed, yes I can answer that question honestly. Do I need a change, yes I do. I think for me change brings on positives. A fresh outlook. I need to meet new people. I need to meet new people and have a chance to be myself. I guess I can admit I need to be around people that can enjoy me being around. I dont necessarily need validation, but it would be good to do something that makes me feel good. I want to be happy. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be a good student. That would help my self esteem. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. That I can bring on positive change for myself. There is nothing worse than sitting around feeling guilty and down on yourself for doing nothing to make your life better. Especially when you know you have what it takes to be a much stronger, better person. Why do I procrastinate it? I can do better than this.